the wonder of worry

Sometimes I wonder.  Am I too hard on myself? Am I making life harder than it needs to be? Many who know me well, will say yes. Definitely. In my family we call it the worry "curse."  It has been carried down from my mom's side of the family.  It has hit all us girls pretty good. It comes in many different strengths and lengths of time.

Many people tell me, and I have told myself this many times, that I need to stop worrying so much.  Well, I have come to the realization that I need to accept this part of me.  As much as I have tried, I cannot get this worry/stress/perfectionism view of mine to go away.  It is apart of me and always will be.  I know the older I get, the more stress I will have and the more things there will be for me to worry about. 

I over-think things, replay them over and over in my head, and analyze them til they fall apart.  I want things to be perfect.  I see something good, and I want it. I want it bad. I don't want to ruin things, so I sometimes hold myself back as to not cause any destruction.  I NEED TO STOP THIS! I need to live life to the fullest.  "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured"  I love that quote.  Thank you Gordon B. Hinckley.  Those words were phrased perfectly. 

I need to enjoy life more.  I need to take these things that worry me, and thrive off of them.  All too often I let my worries bog me down.  I reach stress overload and then I crash and burn.  Just think, if I could make these worries more of an energy source, and less of a downer.. oh the possibilities! They would be endless! (Ok, I sound like a dork.  Ha I'm just trying to give myself some motivation.  Haha sorry for sounding so cheesy.) But really, I would carry much more vivacity, liveliness, and love for life.  Thats what I need, and feel like I'm missing.  Every now and then I get to this point where I just feel blah.  I come home from a day of school and work and just feel.. blah. No energy.  No motivation to do anything productive.  I hate that feeling and I hate the feeling afterwards.  That I did literally nothing.  Its the worst.  And I'm in control of that.  I'm the only one that can really change it.

I need to take what life has given me thus far, and hold on tight when it sends me on a rollercoaster.

In all honesty, I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of failure. That may be my biggest fear. Failing to succeed in school.. career choices.. jobs.. love.. I don't want to mess up.  Though I know that when we mess up is when we learn and grow the most.  At least I have seen that for myself in many instances.  When I do something wrong, I know not to do it again and I can usually stop myself before it goes too far and progresses into something worse.  I am not perfect.  Yet, I want things, everything in my life to be sooo perfect.  And that is not the case in this ever-changing and tempestuous world in which we live.  We make mistakes.  All the time. 

That is my worry: that I will fail to make my life perfect.  Sounds like a joke, huh?  Its pretty inevitable that this life will not turn out perfect. So why the worry?  I have expectations for myself set pretty high.  But now I am realizing that I cannot let that get in the way of my progression and enjoyment in life.  I'm telling myself that it is good to have high expectations, that way I will not settle for something less than what I think is deserved.  I have the desire to do and be good.  Its just a matter of changing my attitude and how I go about getting what I want done.

I'm slowly figuring out this crazy life and I know everything will be alright in the end. 

Thanks to those reading.  It feels so good to get these thoughts out there.  Any suggestions for making this life a bit more enjoyable?? Much love and appreciation to you all. :)